Monday, February 15, 2010

Beached Wail

It sucks being at the beach, less'n it's this beach, huh Bubba Jr.?!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dear Brain, You are an Asshole.

Today, Reuters tells us: "New government data show that 68 percent of U.S. adults are considered overweight, having a body mass index or BMI of 25 or higher. A third are obese, having a body mass index of 30 or higher."

I just did a quick calculation for myself and came up with a BMI of 29.3! FINALLY! I'm now seven tenths of one percent short of being obese! Suck on that, obese people. Yesterday I was one of you. Today, I totally abandon you, never to look back, ever again. I am now merely overweight. Based on that, it's time to celebrate with some motherfuckin' Hostess Cream Filled Cupcakes!

Yeah. Emotional eating. That's what I do. There's nothing quite like a powerfully uplifting emotional experience to really get the appetite going. It's natures way of telling me that I can finally eat whatever the hell I want because I totally deserve it and it makes me feel good.

My brain is always finding clever ways to promote excessive gorging.

For example:

1. TV makes me happy. When I'm happy, I eat.
2. Being fat makes me sad. When I'm sad, I eat.

That's about the extent of my emotional capacity, but I'm sure you get the point. Maybe some of you are emotional eaters too. The problem is, the conflict of emotional eating. That might qualify for a third bullet point.

3. Eating Funyons and watching tv makes me happy, but also miserable and obese.

And, of course, when I'm miserable and obese, I eat.

Hey brain, now that I've managed to totally beat obesity (by .7 BMI points), all you're telling me to do is celebrate, by eating. I don't understand you, but you do make a compelling point.

Ah, the miracle of nature.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Back in the Saddle - Fat Fucking Tuesday

Quick, what's a fat persons favorite day of the week?

If you looked at the post title and said, "It's Fat Fucking Tuesday" then you'd be 100% correct. There's a reason it's called Fat Tuesday, and it has nothing at all to do with New Orleans, or boobs (man boobs not included.) It has everything to do with being fat though. Everything.

As I've recently learned, ANYTHING can derail your attempts to become less fat. Whether it's an office pizza party, a dog opening a window, or your 87 year old grandma crashing her silver 2001 Buick into a semi going 50mph almost three weeks before you're scheduled to reveal your awesome new abs to the world on a lame blog where you whine about being fat. (she's doing fine now, thanks)

As any fatty knows, Monday is the magical day where everything starts to get fixed. Monday is the day we start the new diet. Monday is the beautiful day where we TOTALLY SWEAR that we're starting this fantastic new weight loss plan for real.

So, why is Tuesday Bill's favorite day? Because inevitably SOMETHING will completely fuck up your awesome plans for Monday. A skinny person might say some crap like, "Why not just start on Tuesday then?" Naw, fatty will always wait till NEXT Monday. Always.

Why? Because fat people love to eat large amounts of whatever they can find, and waiting till Monday is the perfect consumption enabling justification to do just that. It lets us say over and over again, "This is my last week to be fat, so I'm going all out and eating whatever the shit I want!"

Like that's somehow different than every single day of our lives? So, we proceed to use the entire rest of the week to belly up to the trough and cram food like this is the last week we'll ever eat Hostess Cherry Pies ever again. (it isn't)

That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past two months. But, three weeks ago, my plans for spending another week being fat were wrecked when nothing went wrong. I had literally run out of bullshit excuses, and was so disappointed when nothing went wrong that I punished myself by actually working out.

I didn't want to blog about it though for two reasons.

1. I'm fat.
2. I didn't actually think it would stick.
3. I'm embarrassed that I missed my ab photo deadline.
4. I'm fat.
5. Good lord, I'm fucking fat.

But, here we are. Prepare yourself.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Incredible, unpredecented FAIL

To the former readers of this blog: There has been a mountain of fail here lately, all of which will be described in excruciatingly painful detail soon. Apologies for the delay, but that bag of Powdered Donettes over there isn't going to just magically eat itself, is it?

(No. No it's not.)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fatty - 1, Pizza Maker - 0

I concede that fat people often have things to contribute to society, technology, and my nightmares. You people are everywhere. We're unfortunately even related to a few of you.

However, business owners beware: DO NOT HIRE FATTIES. Not only do they make the dry heave prone among us more prone to dry heaving but they also make you poor:

How Fatties Destroy Your Business by some website.

(btw... this reminds me. Scott: I'm going to have to hire someone else to help me out with that thing. Cool?)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Fat Bastard Challenge: Half-assed Product Reviews

About a month ago we proposed something awesome called Fat Bastard Challenge.

Well, the moment is finally here. We went out and actually bought a bunch of crap that's supposed to make you less of a fatass. Now, we're putting some of that crap to the test to help educate and inform our readers (read: Bill and Scott.)

My product came directly from the blog comments: "fat burner pills with sweet looking bottles are the shit."

Taking that advice, I went to The Vitamin Shoppe and had a look around. The first thing I noticed was that, like complete fucking assholes, the founders of The Vitamin Shoppe went with the stupid looking old English spelling of Shop. So it's Shop, spelled Shoppe, which is actually supposed to be pronounced 'Shoopa', as in "Honey, I'm going to The Vitamin Shoopa after I blast my quads." If I hadn't already been standing in the store before I really, truly, noticed what they'd done, that douchebaggery would have cost them a customer. Anyway, established in 1977? Fuck them.

The second thing I noticed was the large display of "fat burner pills with sweet looking bottles." In following with my practice of never preparing for shit, I made sure I knew nothing about what I was looking for. I figured I'd let the label on the bottle be my guide. It took me almost 20 terrifying minutes to narrow it down to these two.

While both labels were a bit scary to read, there were key phrases on them that helped me decide which to go with. What finally pushed me over the edge to review the MX-LS7 instead of the LIPO 6 where these quotes from the bottles.

From MX-LX7:
It says I'll lose my gut 3x faster! Sweet! That's exactly what I want. Well, other than one that'll work 4x faster, but that's pure fantasy.

From LIPO 6:

I was SO close to going with this one, mainly because it would seem like I was a total pussy if I didn't.

However, going from a sans-serif font to and EXTREME dripping-sans-serif font there at the end was a real turn off.

So, I got the MX-LS7 stuff. I don't know what the name actually means, but I'm pretty sure my gut will be 3x smaller when that bottle is empty. Hell, that's what it says right there on the label, next to the asterisk. I'm going to weigh myself, then blast off into the bright, skinny, happy world of tomorrow.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Yeah, I've got nothin...

So instead, the internet offers up this gem. An enormous mother pushing her enormous ice cream slurping daughter while a cat pretending to be an emotional Wilford Brimley expresses his concern about the stroller breaker possibly developing DIABEEETUS.

Next week I'll be reviewing the Miracle Diet Pills I bought yesterday, and Bill will take on exercise equipment. Literally.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Weblargh - Overcoming Obstacles - Part 2 of 2

Part 1 can be found here.

Luckily, for the fat, humans are really really good at adapting their surroundings to suit their needs. Or, rather, their perceived needs. Some of these adaptations are awesome, and some are the exact opposite of awesome.

Pretty much any modern convenience you can think of was designed specifically to make our lives easier. Embarrassingly, this also includes great big fat people. So, here you go America, behold, the some of the obese enabling inventions you've given the world:

Diet soft drinks - Those 500 calorie sodas can add up pretty quickly. That’s why America invented diet soda, so that Double Bacon Big Burger with cheese combo meal only contains 1500 calories instead of 2000.

Airplane seat belt extenders - Ostriches and penguins may be too big to fly, but not you, champ. As long as you can squeeze your ass through the airplane door, you can safely catch a ride to Las Vegas.

Pistol grip remote toenail clippers- Those thick, long, yellow toenails aren’t going to trim themselves. How about taking off an inch or two while living out your big, fat gangsta fantasies?

Toilet tissue aid - This device holds the toilet paper so you don't have to! There is also a motorized version that does most of the work for you. All you've got to do is keep the fat rolls out of the way and this things does the dirty work. Smells like American ingenuity to me.

Synthetic insulin- Looks like you might get to keep that leg after all.

In addition to the above products, America has invented medical procedures to get rid of your fat, if’n it doesn’t kill you. The tummy tuck, liposuction, biliopancreatic diversion (shortening one’s small intestine), lap band, and the Cadillac of bariatric surgery, gastric bypass are performed daily. So fuck you, Darwin.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Weblargh - Overcoming Obstacles - Part 1 of 2

When Columbus first landed at Plymouth Rock on July 4th 1492 and drew up the Constitution beneath the “rockets’ red glare,” he made it clear that we the people were about to form a more kick-ass union. Little did he know of the perils that were to come, but he probably wouldn’t have given half a crap anyway. He and his loyal band of Indians were now Americans, and as Americans it was their manifest destiny to get to California to keep the Queen of England from stealing all of the oil.

We have overcome adversity since our founding fathers set foot on the very first amber wave of grain. No obstacle is insurmountable, whether mountain, river, snake, jaguar, booby trap, or native peoples. Americans don’t adapt to their surroundings very well, instead they adapt their surroundings to them. Consequently, the same is true for the overweight who have evolved to adapt their surroundings to them.

Nature is not built for human largesse and vice versa. Museums have shown us that cavemen, Spartans, and Jesus were totally ripped. Subsequently, fatties were the minority upper crust of society. The size of their guts mirrored the extent of their wealth, while the vast, poor majority had wicked awesome triceps. In modern times, it was only a few short years ago when a large man, out of breath from grocery shopping or theme park going, may have considered dropping a few pounds or leaving such activities to the more able-bodied. But once that American ingenuity kicks in, you better look the fuck out.

Now, personal mobility devices line the entrance of every Safeway, Winn Dixie, and Six Flags theme park in this great land, allowing the heftier of us to angrily beep our way through crowds of tight, fit bodies. It’s a way of saying, “Hey, just because I’m fat doesn’t mean that I can’t do the things that fat people can’t do!” Rascals and Hoverounds are just the tip of the big fat iceberg.

Check back soon for part two...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

HTNBF, PETA To Join Forces?

Fatties can communicate with one another up to 500 miles apart in water

A PETA campaign we could almost get behind . . . if we didn't know so many fat vegetarians (shoutouts to John, Beth-zilla, and Big Lou).

Also, fat people (already large) on billboards is an outrage. For chrissake people, children can see them!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Against the Grain

My plan was to grab some carbs, cram them down my cramhole and wash down with some milk at 1:19 this morning. In classic two-birds-one-stone style, I headed for the cereal cupboard and spied the following where my Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cookie Crisp, et al should have been:

Organic Hemp Plus is waaay better than the orignal Organic Hemp

I quickly realized that my wife must be trying to tell me she's a lesbian, and not the good kind either.

I wouldn't be able to ask her until she got back from her camping trip, but the lesson was not lost on me.

After locating the Marshmallow Mateys, I reluctantly put them back in hopes that my wife could look past the fat --at least temporarily-- and not leave me for her girlfriend, Chuck.

Turns out breakfast cereals are mostly created for children who don't have the time to eat candy on the run in the morning, not for rotund adults who cry into them at 1am.

I'll leave you with this stunning fact from the Bureau of Fake Statistics:

4 out 5 marriages fail due to becoming a great big fat person.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Fat Bastard Challenge

In my quest to find a quick fix solution to being a gigantic fatass, I took to google for the answers. Turns out that if you're looking for easy answers, a visit to the Mayo Clinic website is the worst possible idea you can have. An uncomfortable trip to Mayo reveals the following complete and total nonsense:

"There's no magic bullet for losing weight. The most effective way to lose weight and keep it off is through lifestyle changes: Eat healthy, low-calorie foods, watch portion sizes, and engage in regular physical activity." - Mayo Clinic

We believe this crap exactly as much as we don't WANT to believe this crap. So, in light of this, we are about to start the greatest, fattest, blog experiment ever conceived by portly bloggers. Until I think of a better name, I'm calling this: The Fat Bastard Challenge.

It's not even really a challenge, I guess, but the name sounded cool, so it stays. This is how it works. Readers (all 3 of you) will submit - via blog comment or email - one reasonably priced fitness and/or weight loss product that you would like us to try for you. This will give you a chance to test, on us, the incredible benefits (or pleasant side effects) before subjecting yourself to anything not FDA approved.

Once the three of you have made your suggestions, Bill and I will buy, use, and evaluate the product for one month. Examples of such products include, but are not limited to: Exercise gadgets, Diet pills/foods, non Tony Horton fitness programs and/or hallucinogenic fitness toads.

So, get crackin' America. Give us your fitness ideas. We'll pick the most awesome one and achieve 100% total successes with it, guaranteed.

PS: John Basedow (the guy in the six pack abs pic above) is a douche. That is all.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Goodnight Sweet Footprints

After nine years, I had to have Sheila, my bathroom scale, put down. Her innards had started to go and you could just tell the ol' girl just didn't have any more fight left in her.

If measuring devices go to heaven, and I know in my heart that they do, then perhaps someday I'll get to see you again along with my old pal, Compassy.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Weblargh! - Me vs. My Brain

I kicked off week 5 of P90X last Monday. I would say that I am definitely in the best shape of my fat life so far, and there's no place left to go, but UP!

But that would be total bullshit.

One thing I've noticed about my brain is that every single time I achieve even nominal success at something, it kicks into self destruction mode and becomes a relentless pain in the ass. A sample (my brain is in green):
Scott vs Scott's Brain (round 1)

I could stop, eat like an asshole, and sink back into butterburger bliss. Of course, this is exactly what my brain is telling me to do right now. Working out is hard. Eating the right food is a pain. I keep thinking that I'll reach the point where all of this working out and eating right becomes second nature. At that point I'm hoping that my brain's immensely powerful self destructive side will kindly shut the fuck up for a while.

Listening to my inner dialogue has become almost comical at this point. Whenever it's time to work out, some of the best excuses ever created come flooding out. There seems to be this line of absurdity with procrastination and failure that you simply must cross before you can actually get anything done.

For example, this is what I went through right up until the point where I actually DID work out yesterday.

Scott vs Scott's Brain (round 2)



This is where we've reached procrastination absurdity threshold. This is where your brain runs out of reasonable options and proposes doing something so ridiculous (watching Real Housewives of the OC) that you finally snap out of procrastination mode and say:
The point here is that your brain is a dick and will try to destroy you most of the time. Try to set your absurdity threshold low, so when your brain tells you to eat cupcakes, you instinctively call him an asshole and you go do pull-ups instead. Good luck fatties, we're in this together. (and by together, I mean: until I'm skinny and fit, then I'm totally abandoning you)

Friday, August 7, 2009

Legitimately Fat

Fat people, by default, seem to be less legitimate than non fat people. Our brains simply look at being fat as a self-inflicted disability, which, of course, it is. Some people even try to frame it as a disease, which, of course, it isn't. Imagine if someone said, "Oh crap, I've got cancer. Better stop eating so much mayonnaise so I can, you know, cure this cancer." If being fat is a disease, it is the most infinitely curable disease ever.

Delegitimizing fat people happens on such a deep subconscious level that most of us don't even realize what's happening. When people look at someone fat, even if they themselves are fat, they immediately mentally categorize them into the "that fat-ass doesn't give a shit" section of their brains. Aside from eating a pound of bacon, nothing makes a fat person feel better than seeing someone else who's even fatter than they are.

Imagine that you're interviewing people for a job. The fat dude on the left should help you visualize the situation...

Now, imagine that this fat guy walks in and sits down. You both wait anxiously while his chair creaks and groans under his girth, but holds. You sigh, examine his resume, and discover that he's totally qualified for the job. Now, unfortunately for him, there will be a part of you that screams, "If this guy doesn't give a shit about those 100 extra pounds on his chin, is he really going to give a shit about this job?" (This applies doubly if the job is "Donut Security Guard.")

The answer, of course, is no.