It is often said (by us) that one of life’s great truths is this: Making fun of others will make you feel really, really good about yourself. Everyone does it to some extent, even the ones who deny it. In fact, they're usually the worst offenders because they do it under the guise of "caring". It's therapeutic and helps you bury your own insecurities way deep down inside, which is, of course, why we so highly endorse it. G’head. Try it out. See that guy over there? Man, he’s so stupid, isn’t he? I mean, just look at him all “I’m going about my business, blah, blah, blah…” Hahaha! What a dumbass!
Ahhhh. See? Feels pretty good, doesn’t it?
This sense of well-being is heightened when making fun of those who are different than you. Hell, we might even go so far as to describe poking fun of these others as addictive. It's addictive to make fun of the chubby girl at the carnival sporting a muffin top and eating a corn dog. It's addictive to pantomime the fat guy at the carnival who's hitting on the chubby girl while also eating a corn dog. It's like a natural high when the laughter takes hold and you know deep down inside that you'll never be that fat, that obese, or that sweaty…
Sometimes though, your drug can't produce the same high. Sometimes the boost of self esteem at the expense of others isn't quite what it used to be. Sometimes you're afraid to laugh too hard because you don't want to spray bits of your own corn dog all over your chili-cheese fries. Sometimes, you look down and realize that you're resting your drink on your gut, right next the ketchup stain. But how can that be? After all, you’re the guy who makes fun of others for being not enough like you. Could it be you’ve turned into…one of Them? Naw, impossible, right? Right? RIGHT?!?
Well, that's what happened to us. Drunk off the success of generally kicking ass, we spent too much time thinking we weren't fat. Consequently, we failed to notice the pounds as they secretly collected under and around our formerly well-defined chins. We're not sure how this happened. It could have been the delicious combination of powdered Donettes and Mountain Dew. Or perhaps it was the Luigi’s bacon pizza and 32 oz. chocolate milkshakes. Come to think of it, it could have been Red Vines and popcorn with extra salt and butter-flavored topping. You see, these are the staples of the successful author diet. Just ask that fat-ass who wrote that book about space. Alas, we realize it was at least in part due to the high fructose corn syrup drip we attached to ourselves while watching The Biggest Loser marathon. But this is something that happens to Them, definitely not Us.
We've decided not to dwell on it though. That would mean we'd have to make fun of ourselves, and your mom says it's not nice to make fun of fat people. Nonetheless, we've decided to embark upon an epic journey. A journey that will take us from the dizzying moral heights of the health food stores to the pungent depths of the gym locker room on an epic quest to find our abs.