Thursday, July 9, 2009

You're Fat

In April of 1999, a pastor at a church in Nashville told me and a couple hundred others that "You can't make someone lose weight by calling them fat." Now I've heard religious leaders say some pretty stupid things ("If you give money to us good things will happen to you." or "This wafer actually turns into Jesus's body!", or "Come sit on my lap, Billy."), but this one had to be top 3 all time. With pastor Dave as his vessel, Jesus was telling me I wasn't fat.

In an attempt to reconcile His words with my 23% body fat, I thought, "Maybe Jesus is just being sarcastic." Actually, it turns out Jesus was wrong.

You're fat.

This has become my mantra, mostly because it is true. Being a fatass (267 lbs, 31% body fat) is unhealthy and disgusting. What expertise does this Jesus guy have telling me I'm not fat? Jesus had rippling pects. He never had to hold His breath when putting on His sandals. He didn't get the meat-sweats during The Last Supper. Jesus, I am fat. Please stop telling me otherwise.

You're fat.

My brain was no help either. In mirrors I didn't look so bad. Those fatties on Biggest Loser were over 300 goddamn lbs. I was a mere mid-to-upper 200's. My big fat epiphany helped me realize I was experiencing a dangerous psychological disorder "orexia nervosa."

You're fat.

Unlike it's skinny cousin, "anorexia nervosa," orexia nervosa causes delusional fatties to see themselves in a mirror and say, "You know what? You don't look too bad." Right? Right?! RIGHT?!? Wrong.

You gotta admire the willpower of anorexics. What with the eating lettuce until you sprout fur and die. That's commitment. I was similarly, but oppositely committed to eating pizza until I sprouted fat and died.

Turns out you can't make someone skinny by NOT calling them fat.

You're so fucking fat.

Bill liked to dress up and photograph his victims before eating them