This is Why I'm a Fatty Boombalatty

I am fat because I eat too much food and I don't exercise.

(note: This is also why you are fat)

The food-porno site ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com inspires fatties and vice versa. Oh sure, you've never looked at that site and gotten chubs. We believe you, sicko. Nevertheless, here is why I --specifically-- am a fat. Read along and try to keep your bacon donut crumbs off the computer or WebTV.

I find that if I can power through the first two weeks of diet and exercise, it magically gets easier to maintain a half-assed healthy lifestyle. Through use of science, I can assume that is pretty much the case for everyone in America. I can also assume that all you fatties fall off the wagon even after you've got a good run going.

Falling off the wagon manifests itself in several forms, including:

• Vacation
  
• Cocktail party
• Your gay friend's wedding
• Solstices
• "Lost" is on

or the popular

• Your doctor told you not to exercise for a couple weeks.

Like what happened to me. I had a good run going after a carb-fueled week of doing nothing. Back in the saddle for a week, a pullup-induced pulled muscle set me back a couple days. I decided to lay low for the weekend with some painkillers and muscle relaxers I got from the clinic, only to feel worse a couple days later.

(It's important to note that clinics are places sick people go when they're too lazy to find a doctor to call their own. Not surprisingly the waiting rooms of clinics remind me of the waiting room in Beetle Juice. I was surrounded by lost, semi-insured, lazy, sick people . . . and a couple fatties too, just for the record)

In hindsight, I now know that trying to work out was a bad idea. It was even kind of spectacularly bad. It's like prescribing "lots of sex" to treat HIV. My new doctor, we'll call him Dr. Thinks-I'm-A-Vicodin-Addict confirmed what a hot foreign nurse once told me, "There isn't really anything you can do for a sore muscle, except get some painkillers and muscle relaxers and wait it out.

He prescribed two weeks of relaxation, or as I heard it, two weeks no exercise and a steady diet of McSurf 'n Turfs.