Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Fat Bastard Challenge: Half-assed Product Reviews

About a month ago we proposed something awesome called Fat Bastard Challenge.

Well, the moment is finally here. We went out and actually bought a bunch of crap that's supposed to make you less of a fatass. Now, we're putting some of that crap to the test to help educate and inform our readers (read: Bill and Scott.)

My product came directly from the blog comments: "fat burner pills with sweet looking bottles are the shit."

Taking that advice, I went to The Vitamin Shoppe and had a look around. The first thing I noticed was that, like complete fucking assholes, the founders of The Vitamin Shoppe went with the stupid looking old English spelling of Shop. So it's Shop, spelled Shoppe, which is actually supposed to be pronounced 'Shoopa', as in "Honey, I'm going to The Vitamin Shoopa after I blast my quads." If I hadn't already been standing in the store before I really, truly, noticed what they'd done, that douchebaggery would have cost them a customer. Anyway, established in 1977? Fuck them.

The second thing I noticed was the large display of "fat burner pills with sweet looking bottles." In following with my practice of never preparing for shit, I made sure I knew nothing about what I was looking for. I figured I'd let the label on the bottle be my guide. It took me almost 20 terrifying minutes to narrow it down to these two.

While both labels were a bit scary to read, there were key phrases on them that helped me decide which to go with. What finally pushed me over the edge to review the MX-LS7 instead of the LIPO 6 where these quotes from the bottles.

From MX-LX7:
It says I'll lose my gut 3x faster! Sweet! That's exactly what I want. Well, other than one that'll work 4x faster, but that's pure fantasy.

From LIPO 6:

I was SO close to going with this one, mainly because it would seem like I was a total pussy if I didn't.

However, going from a sans-serif font to and EXTREME dripping-sans-serif font there at the end was a real turn off.

So, I got the MX-LS7 stuff. I don't know what the name actually means, but I'm pretty sure my gut will be 3x smaller when that bottle is empty. Hell, that's what it says right there on the label, next to the asterisk. I'm going to weigh myself, then blast off into the bright, skinny, happy world of tomorrow.

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