Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Weblargh - Overcoming Obstacles - Part 2 of 2

Part 1 can be found here.

Luckily, for the fat, humans are really really good at adapting their surroundings to suit their needs. Or, rather, their perceived needs. Some of these adaptations are awesome, and some are the exact opposite of awesome.

Pretty much any modern convenience you can think of was designed specifically to make our lives easier. Embarrassingly, this also includes great big fat people. So, here you go America, behold, the some of the obese enabling inventions you've given the world:

Diet soft drinks - Those 500 calorie sodas can add up pretty quickly. That’s why America invented diet soda, so that Double Bacon Big Burger with cheese combo meal only contains 1500 calories instead of 2000.

Airplane seat belt extenders - Ostriches and penguins may be too big to fly, but not you, champ. As long as you can squeeze your ass through the airplane door, you can safely catch a ride to Las Vegas.

Pistol grip remote toenail clippers- Those thick, long, yellow toenails aren’t going to trim themselves. How about taking off an inch or two while living out your big, fat gangsta fantasies?

Toilet tissue aid - This device holds the toilet paper so you don't have to! There is also a motorized version that does most of the work for you. All you've got to do is keep the fat rolls out of the way and this things does the dirty work. Smells like American ingenuity to me.

Synthetic insulin- Looks like you might get to keep that leg after all.

In addition to the above products, America has invented medical procedures to get rid of your fat, if’n it doesn’t kill you. The tummy tuck, liposuction, biliopancreatic diversion (shortening one’s small intestine), lap band, and the Cadillac of bariatric surgery, gastric bypass are performed daily. So fuck you, Darwin.


  1. This makes me sick. My poor athletic diabetic husband always gets sympathetic looks from the type 2 fat diabetics; like they know what he's going through. Booooo.

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